I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
