this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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