Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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