we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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