I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
