You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
