i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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