Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
