I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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