I like to think it a success when the cops are called
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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