she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
