I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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