She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
