u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
