You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
We won't sleep together?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
