So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
This girl is more easily done than said...
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
