The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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