yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
farters have to be the big spoon...
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
