I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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