He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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