I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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