after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
pray to the hookup gods
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize