saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
