Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
