you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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