the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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