sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
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I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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