last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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