Can Purell be used as lube?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize