omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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