worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
