I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
i now understand why vodka
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize