Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
