How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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