While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize