No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
