Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
