I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Randomize
