I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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