we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
