I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Randomize
