I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Two words: blizzard sex
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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