woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
