I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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