I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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