I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
