and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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