I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
