you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
