You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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