I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
