just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
