I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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