everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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