Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I had to cum in my sink.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
