Everything about him screamed your future.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
