Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I need water and some morals
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
