Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
