I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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