can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
