the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
