Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
